I'm sick, ugly, a bad lover, tacky. I'm unaccomplished, boring. I disgust many, being me. My mind, it is failing me, I lose my words every day, words I once treasured and helped me know me, my thoughts are broken and foggy. My hatred for my self grows and spirals into the crevices with me. I cannot make the one I love happy. My love feels strong within me, an overflow of adoration, of desire, a longing for touch, to be close, to feel as one, but it can't be expressed for what it is, because my life is a mess. I'm always tired, never lively. I'm quiet , too quiet and it's disappointing, maybe maddening. I need too much from those around me, as I struggle to pull my own weight. I do kind things but I don't get a lot right. My dark cloud won't leave me alone, it follows everywhere i go and brings sadness to the ones i bring in close. Is it just selfish for me to want a lover when I'm a dark twisty mess? Can I justify it when my attempts and shortcomings cause her confusion and stress? I bring tears and pain which wall her away, when all I want is to feel one, us, the same. I can't get it right, I fail all the time at love, life, at societal games, hoops, at words. The world, it weighs me, it crushes me down. Why can't I learn to like me? Why can't I just enjoy the sun on my face or the smell of spring without feeling like its not even mine to see or smell. What's happened to my soul? My beloved is unhappy. My beloved cries. Behind doors she cries. My beloved is unhappy. It would be nice to fade away, become some shiny dust in the sky. Fade away.
