For a while now I've been afraid that the little bit of hope I'd been clutching to for so long had finally alluded my weakening grasp and abandoned me once and for all. Pieces of my hope had been stripped off, floated away or stamped out until I really believed it no longer existed anywhere inside me at all even in the hidden depths of my soul. Hope became a slippery bar of soap that though I wanted to hold on to, just could not find a way to grasp. I have been going through the motions of life, soldiering on, one foot in front of the other, feeling entirely defeated inside. An empty shell with a crushed spirit, just existing. Today, something as simple as a song somehow showed me that my fear wasn't true. Hope is like your heart daring to IMAGINE. To imagine things being different than they have been some day. Daring to believe that this is NOT as good as it gets. For some time I forgot how to do that, but today I realized thats all it was. Hope didn't die off entirely, it has definitely taken a brutal beating, leaving it in sort of a coma state, but I found this glimmer of something inside me that remembers how to imagine. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but I think it can get well again.
8.03.2010
imagining again
For a while now I've been afraid that the little bit of hope I'd been clutching to for so long had finally alluded my weakening grasp and abandoned me once and for all. Pieces of my hope had been stripped off, floated away or stamped out until I really believed it no longer existed anywhere inside me at all even in the hidden depths of my soul. Hope became a slippery bar of soap that though I wanted to hold on to, just could not find a way to grasp. I have been going through the motions of life, soldiering on, one foot in front of the other, feeling entirely defeated inside. An empty shell with a crushed spirit, just existing. Today, something as simple as a song somehow showed me that my fear wasn't true. Hope is like your heart daring to IMAGINE. To imagine things being different than they have been some day. Daring to believe that this is NOT as good as it gets. For some time I forgot how to do that, but today I realized thats all it was. Hope didn't die off entirely, it has definitely taken a brutal beating, leaving it in sort of a coma state, but I found this glimmer of something inside me that remembers how to imagine. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but I think it can get well again.
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2 comments:
That sort of reminds me of a realization I had. The other day, I was thinking about something that might happen and my first reaction was, don't worry; everything will work out. Then, I stopped myself. Based on what?? How can I know that everything will work out when I don't believe in anything? Then I realized that I do believe in something. I believe in myself. I know that I have the strength, knowledge, intelligence, and creativity to find solutions and make my life better. That is something I can believe in and that is how I know that everything will work out. I also believe in other people. I know that I have friends and family that love me and that is why everything will always be okay, no matter what happens.
Never stop hoping. Never stop dreaming. This is not as good as it gets!
good thoughts charity. I have definitely relied on family and friends A LOT over the last year. Humanity discourages and disappoints me often, and I struggle to relate to most people especially of my own generation, but at the same time there are the few out there who do come through for me, and though imperfect as we all are, you are right, things wont ever get as bad as what we sometimes imagine they might, and they usually do get better when we put our mind and energy toward creating change =)
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