thirty

i cry on birthdays a lot. its not weddings for me its birthdays. i was disturbed when i turned 10, because i would never again be a single digit. at thirteen, an official "teen" i would never again feel like a "kid" then at the other end, turning 20 my teenage years were over. yes i cried over all these dumb things. at 25 i was a quarter century and also the age my mother was when she had me.. more angst and tears. i'm not too sure why it seems to bother me more than most people. aging. i guess i see life as a series of seasons. when they end they end, and you can't go back. sometimes we have a say in the seasons we go through, like we decide i'm going to school. i'm going to work here, or i'm leaving this job. i'm going to join this book club. i'm going to join the army... boot camp is only a season right? i can do it. i'm going to move to texas. sometimes a season just starts or ends and you have no say. the passing of your grandparents may mean your family all gathering for holidays in the same place, being their home, has now become.... your past. you get sick, you lose a job, you get dumped, a good friend moves away. we see some seasons coming and some we are blindsided by, but either way, doors are continuously closing on parts of our lives labeling them past people, places and things. none of us knows the length of our whole story, or how long each person we know will remain in it. you or someone you care for may not wake to see tomorrow. i try so hard to live in the moment, every moment, and not let any go flitting by unnoticed, unappreciated in the now, only to rack up in piles of irrelevant moments behind the closed doors of the past. i have exactly 3 weeks left in the season my 20s. then on september 9th, a door will shut on a decade. of course i will cry again. i start school again in exactly one week... which i figure means i have one week of moments to live as 20-like as possible before school claims all my moments. looking forward to school and the new routine and favorite people that season could possibly bring into my life, for now though i think this week is demanding to be memorable in some kinda crazy and irresponsible way. i wanna pierce my tongue again... listen to the misfits, and make out with random strangers... guess that's a good start.