The other night I had this eye-opening experience. One of those chance, being in the right place at the right time with the right people situations unfolded. Through certain conversations, observations and circumstance over the course of one evening I have come to understand myself and what it is I want quite a bit more. This is great, since I sort of seem to bounce around here and there in life, never really happy with things but not really able to create the change I need due to not really knowing what it IS I want. I know with a true assurance now what that is, where to find it, as well as what's been keeping me from it. Time to change that. This piece of my spirit which was crushed and choked and hardened over, is beginning to feel replenished. Ready to start living now.

Dear emotions of mine,

Please, stop being a roller coaster. It's making me ill.

I'd like to get off. I much prefer the Ferris Wheel.

ducks in a row

I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.

My ducks are all punks,

but I'm trying.

I went to bed last night without a job, and this morning I woke up with one. I officially have some cash flow again. I start this afternoon. I was unemployed for exactly one month, to the day. 2010 didn't start off being so kind to me, it was cruel in fact, on several levels. I have been a shell of a person, just a ghost blowing around here and there, but I awoke this morning to find myself on a brand new road in my journey and it's going to get better from here. Change is in motion. I'm welcoming it in with open arms and feel like I need to celebrate it somehow.

Thank you = ]

Band·-Aid (band′ād′)

a small prepared bandage of gauze and adhesive tape for minor wounds

noun

1. a bandage of this type
2. a temporary, superficial remedy for a serious or complex problem

adjective

providing only temporary, superficial relief

We use band aids to cover our wounds.

We tear them open, wrap them tightly around us for comfort.

Soon after, we rip them off deemed no longer necessary.

They help us to feel better, then they become trash.

Used band aids are disturbing and unsightly things to come across.

Guess that's why I feel so...

disturbed.

Unfortunately once removed they never are quite the same.

Bloody, dirty, bent out of shape.

Unable to adhere to anyone again.

After being used they just aren't much good to anyone else.

BLEH.

I hate walking into grocery stores in February. Makes me want to puke.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate valentines day? Because I do.

Life is simply not complete without a feline around.

=^.^=

I relate to this monkey

and his state of confusion over life

and circumstance.

Erm, yeah. Today I stopped at a green light for a bit. I'm not entirely sure how long I sat there either, but it was too long. I usually pay attention to strange behaviors of mine like that. It means something I figure. It could simply mean that my over-loaded brain has finally transformed officially into silly putty. Or, it could be symbolic of something bigger which is what I tend to lean towards. If anyone has ideas on this I'll give you a penny for your thoughts. I don't know. I mean I could assume something obvious like maybe a job opportunity will come around and I'll just park myself there in the moment and observe it wondering about it rather than move on it when its a clear go? Hmm. I've stopped at a self-imposed or imaginary road block in my journey and I just need to read the signs correctly and keep going? Or maybe I just got sucked into a black hole and came out the other side in the worst possible place, the middle of 5 o'clock traffic in Arlington Texas, and found myself at a green light. I guess its possible. Would have to be a pretty small black hole to suck up just me though. Maybe we all went through. If so, maybe our particles got all mixed up along the way and I'm you and you're me now. OR maybe, mayyyybe, I'm just supposed to GO more GREEN and make you too!! Maybe I just like green.

If you can't handle me at my worst,

then you don't deserve me at my best.

Things went swiftly bleak

Stumbling in dark fury

Yet some light feels near.

I have the strangest encounters with wildlife in random places here in Texas. From a distance Heather and I thought this was an armadillo waddling around on UTA campus today. As we got a bit closer and gazed up the tree it decided to climb, (don't think armadillos climb trees?) we realized it had no armor and guessed it to be a possum? Since I've never seen one before, wasn't exactly certain. I thought those things were nocturnal?? What is he doing hanging around a college campus at like 4PM? I thought it was odd enough to see a cat running around the huge campus like 2 minutes before. Yeah, bob cats, possums, don't know what else is around here I haven't met yet, but I'm ready for a laughing hyena or something.

So after weeks of intense resume revamping, pavement pounding, online scouring, stressing and crying, I'm sitting here today in a coffee house, with a peace about me and nothing to do. NOTHING in particular is screaming at me saying you need to be here doing this at the moment. My apartment is clean. My bills are paid. Laundry is caught up. With the wisps of new and better job options starting to materialize in the air before my eyes, I can walk out the remaining days of my unemployed status with an entirely different state of mind. I get to sit here, fully taking in this moment. The sights and smells. Coffee and vegan coffee cake before me on the table. The sounds of various conversations and laughter mixed in with the sounds of several people's fingers clickity- clacking away on their lap tops and fancy coffee drinks being concocted all with the background of some relaxing-put-you-in-your-happy-place CD they have playing.

I can admire their combination of colors of paint on the walls, the soft low lighting, the art work displayed. I'm fully here, all senses focused and connected with the world around me. I can sit here and just be, and just look, and appreciate a moment of my life being lived without that nagging feeling of panic and loss of control over my circumstances. Its coming together, I can feel it. Now I feel I can say, I GET another day off! It feels almost like a vacation now. A gift of some TIME before me with no particular schedule or demands on my time. It feels good. Time is something most Americans feel they don't ever have enough of, and here I am with generous supply for a bit longer. Not for A LOT longer though, so I'm gonna live it up. I mean, I could get in my car and randomly drive for days and see where I end up, or read a book a day for a week if I felt so inspired.

For now I'm happy to sit here. Wondering. About what is before me. About the lives of all the others sitting around me, what circumstances brought them here today with their coffees and head phones typing away. Are they working? In school? In love? In the middle of a nasty break up? About all the new people I'm about to meet in my drastically changing life. Will any of them become some of my life long favorites? What will they stir in me? What might we discuss over coffee, or dirty martinis? Wonder what I'll do tomorrow? (Other than get my haircut and then have a second interview scheduled for 7PM!) I'm guessing I'll read Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, take a long walk if its nice out, paint my nails, maybe see a movie at the cheap seats, or snuggle up on my couch for a Marathon of Vicar of Dibley, or Pirates of the Caribbean with some kettle corn or Rocky Road! Not sure. =D But whatever I do, will be exactly what I'm wanting to.

Interviews. Interviews. Interviews. Appointments. Tests. (High scores =] ) Appointments. Second Interviews! School?!?! Wow. Census test administrators and admissions counselors have been feeling the need to inform me that I'm a really smart cookie. So glad. Needed the confidence boost. I've been avoiding finishing school for so long. Thought I was getting by fine without my bachelor's for quite a while. But its time. I have hit a brick wall in my tolerance for status quo. My existing state of affairs is driving me into a dark corner of my mind.

Change is just screaming and pitching a fit and demanding to be had. I'm embracing it. Nervously but excitedly embracing it with determination and expectation, because otherwise I'm just as silly as a hamster running on my wheel wondering why all my effort doesn't get me anywhere. Running on your wheel is perfectly fine if you're content with your particular cage and its amenities, some cages are more tolerable than others I suppose, but I'm not liking mine. I have a plan. I love having a plan, haven't had one of those in a while. First I'm gonna get me one of those balls that I can roam outside the cage and go places in. It will bring lots of new opportunity and also protect me while I explore a much bigger world! Then, you watch. I'm gonna break out of the ball=)