ordered my campus parking pass and got school supplies today.

felt like a kid again pickin out me notebooks. 3 more dayz.

show me another cat in a sink

ants are assholes. my fridge now harbors chips, cereal, peanut butter, dried fruit and cat food (that i bought for census jackson). essentially everything i open needs to go immediately into the fridge or else the little jerks infest it in moments. i threw out over half of the food in my pantry last week because anything that was open in there, they were in it. bleh. i've had pest control here three times already and they can't get them out of here. i just had a mini fit of rage when i went to cut a tomato on a cutting board and realized it had five ants crawling around on it. there wasn't even any food out. why won't they leave me aloooone!?

going to be an auntie in 9 months =)

no ugly people

told my manager last night that people have been asking me if we're hiring, and since we always seem overstaffed, i'm never sure what to tell them. his first question was, "well are they guys or girls?" i told him, "both". he answered, "if any hot girls ask, we are always hiring. no ugly people. if ugly people ask tell them we aren't hiring."

thirty

i cry on birthdays a lot. its not weddings for me its birthdays. i was disturbed when i turned 10, because i would never again be a single digit. at thirteen, an official "teen" i would never again feel like a "kid" then at the other end, turning 20 my teenage years were over. yes i cried over all these dumb things. at 25 i was a quarter century and also the age my mother was when she had me.. more angst and tears. i'm not too sure why it seems to bother me more than most people. aging. i guess i see life as a series of seasons. when they end they end, and you can't go back. sometimes we have a say in the seasons we go through, like we decide i'm going to school. i'm going to work here, or i'm leaving this job. i'm going to join this book club. i'm going to join the army... boot camp is only a season right? i can do it. i'm going to move to texas. sometimes a season just starts or ends and you have no say. the passing of your grandparents may mean your family all gathering for holidays in the same place, being their home, has now become.... your past. you get sick, you lose a job, you get dumped, a good friend moves away. we see some seasons coming and some we are blindsided by, but either way, doors are continuously closing on parts of our lives labeling them past people, places and things. none of us knows the length of our whole story, or how long each person we know will remain in it. you or someone you care for may not wake to see tomorrow. i try so hard to live in the moment, every moment, and not let any go flitting by unnoticed, unappreciated in the now, only to rack up in piles of irrelevant moments behind the closed doors of the past. i have exactly 3 weeks left in the season my 20s. then on september 9th, a door will shut on a decade. of course i will cry again. i start school again in exactly one week... which i figure means i have one week of moments to live as 20-like as possible before school claims all my moments. looking forward to school and the new routine and favorite people that season could possibly bring into my life, for now though i think this week is demanding to be memorable in some kinda crazy and irresponsible way. i wanna pierce my tongue again... listen to the misfits, and make out with random strangers... guess that's a good start.

someone let me down tonight. not the end of the world, just feeling a little sad right now. i need to stop being so surprised at finding out someone didn't really mean what they said. its not like its a rare occurrence. i really cant think of many people who i know to place strong value on the integrity of their word. words are powerful, and most people are extremely careless with them.

yesterday I made an inner vow to never partake in stretchy shape bracelets. then of course, of allll days, last night one of my customers so generously gave me one from the massive hoard of them spread across their table with a big grin. I woke up this morning with a yellow giraffe around my wrist. conviction compromised. the things my customers subject me to...

=)

my heavy heart says yes.

my rational mind says no.

which one knows best?

is there even a right answer?

is this a test?

there's this one who hurt me

words said still cause me pain

i miss the times they made me smile

love and hate feel much the same

i wish that i could call them

i wish they'd come hug me

i'm stuck without an answer

unsure if what i wish

would be good or bad for me

wish that we could fix it

that i knew just what to say

so we wouldn't be hurt

and they could be near

without me feeling this way

anxiety you wreak such havoc on my nerves. and for what? worry and fear accomplish nothing, change absolutely nothing. and what does anxiety get from plaguing my soul? nothing. so its lose lose. wish i could learn the skill of mind over matter.

Weird people like this give me hope in humanity.

C'est La Vie : \se-lä-vē\ (seh lah VEE)

"Such is Life" An expression used to play down some minor disappointment

meaty

Its been made unquestionably clear to me that this is how most customers at my current job interpret my part in the establishment. According to my boss, the same one who told me my shorts weren't short enough, I should be happy about it, and that the day when people stop grabbing my ass and pretending to fuck me from behind is the day I should start to worry. Wow. Classy.

are you trying to save my soul?

Cute.

imagining again

For a while now I've been afraid that the little bit of hope I'd been clutching to for so long had finally alluded my weakening grasp and abandoned me once and for all. Pieces of my hope had been stripped off, floated away or stamped out until I really believed it no longer existed anywhere inside me at all even in the hidden depths of my soul. Hope became a slippery bar of soap that though I wanted to hold on to, just could not find a way to grasp. I have been going through the motions of life, soldiering on, one foot in front of the other, feeling entirely defeated inside. An empty shell with a crushed spirit, just existing. Today, something as simple as a song somehow showed me that my fear wasn't true. Hope is like your heart daring to IMAGINE. To imagine things being different than they have been some day. Daring to believe that this is NOT as good as it gets. For some time I forgot how to do that, but today I realized thats all it was. Hope didn't die off entirely, it has definitely taken a brutal beating, leaving it in sort of a coma state, but I found this glimmer of something inside me that remembers how to imagine. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but I think it can get well again.