We can always fix anything because...
I love you, and love is bigger than anything else in our lives.
I will do anything in my power to make you happy.
If we had the resources to, I'd get you a ring tomorrow.
I don't ever want to be without you.
If we fight, if we have misunderstandings,
it doesn't change any of this.
You are mine, I'm yours.
Never forget this.

I'm sick, ugly, a bad lover, tacky.  I'm unaccomplished, boring. I disgust many, being me.  My mind, it is failing me, I lose my words every day, words I once treasured and helped me know me, my thoughts are broken and foggy. My hatred for my self grows and spirals into the crevices with me. I cannot make the one I  love happy.  My love feels strong within me, an overflow of adoration, of desire, a longing for touch, to be close, to feel as one, but it can't be expressed for what it is, because my life is a mess.  I'm always tired, never lively.  I'm quiet , too quiet and it's disappointing, maybe maddening.  I need too much from those around me, as I struggle to pull my own weight.  I do kind things but I don't get a lot right.  My dark cloud won't leave me alone, it follows everywhere i go and brings sadness to the ones i bring in close.  Is it just selfish for me to want a lover when  I'm a dark twisty mess?  Can I justify it when my attempts and shortcomings cause her confusion and stress?  I bring tears and pain which wall her away, when all I want is to feel one, us, the same.  I can't get it right, I fail all the time at love, life, at societal games, hoops, at words. The world, it weighs me, it crushes me down.  Why can't I learn to like me? Why can't I just enjoy the sun on my face or the smell of spring without feeling like its not even mine to see or smell.  What's happened to my soul? My beloved is unhappy.  My beloved cries.  Behind doors she cries.  My beloved is unhappy.   It would be nice to fade away, become some shiny dust in the sky. Fade away.

Every girl's life ought to be filled with poetry.

I'm listening to this song I've never heard until today,

"I'll Miss You Till I Meet You"...

Though there are a multitude of thoughts that this song, a poem, and a few letters are causing to whirl and spiral around within me, I'm struggling to figure out how to express any of them, to get them out of my head.  I'm usually pretty good with words, at least I'd like to think that.  I believe one day earlier this week I encountered a state of shock, at which point I stepped into a bubble and have since been floating around in here like I'm watching someone else's life unfolding before me each day.  The shock was not a bad sort of shock, rather just one of those sorts of things that seems to defy rational, statistical probability at all odds, so much that even when seemingly in a way which favors you still seems to catch one completely off guard and floundering for a response.  I have no grid for this.  It was just again something that left me without any words to react with.  Still trying to find them.. 

But, I am amazed, and more peaceful and happy and hopeful than I have been since, well maybe than I ever have been... for such a moment, and the moments unfolding still since.

“Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women?”

~Virginia Woolf

Cannot wait for tomorrow to come and go. SO ready for this election to happen already and be over.  I have enough anxiety I face every day on my plate without the side helping of Shit Romney terror.  Tomorrow.  Over.  

I got the best, unexpected present today.  
It is beautiful, and thoughtful, it sparkles and shines 
and was given just to make me smile.

=D

one foot in front of the other foot

I am living a moment of, hell.  I can't quite find words to explain the dread surging through my veins.  I just tried to open a blog I was keeping on the 750 words site which I haven't used for several months, and it seems to have VANISHED!?!  There seems to be no record of it under either email address I might have used.  I have just lost so much writing it makes me ill.  RAGE!!  And then sadness, and denial, and well, I wish there could be bargaining...

This house, this town, may be the death of me
like a wild animal
failing to thrive in captivity

"I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo."

-the bell jar

Music soothes the restless soul,
this video's a shout out to eric, cuz it brings him to his happy place =D

Bobby Pins and Blow dryers

Thank you, for again making me feel like a burden in your day.  Sometimes I am truly blown away by your selfish views.  I wonder how many more times this could possibly happen before I move on to the next season of my life and will from then on only be able to look back at this as a time when I expressed to you I needed you, which to me would have seemed obvious, and tried to lean on you a little, but you didn't like it, and instead added insult to injury.  I bet you'd hate it if you realized how much you reminded me just now of the most hurtful conversation I can ever remember having with dad.  His words which rip my heart to shreds whenever my mind replays them as I picture the disapproval and anger, over something so insignificant, on his face as he spoke them.  I saw that look in your eye just now as you said, nothing.   Why do people hurt each other over things like bobby pins and blow dryers?  I finally shed a few tears about it, cest la vie as they say, and when it happens next I will let it bounce off and not be surprised by it.  I will make sure not to touch anything of yours or burden you with any more of my needs.  

My aunt makes the best food.  She fed me tonight till I was stuffed and then, stuffed me some more with cupcakes.  My stomach is freaking out since I've barely eaten at all this past week, it's used to being empty now its crammed full.  I can't brain right now... digesting..

Extended Director's cut, actually the first one I saw before it's release, even better.

I heart this.  If I have a home and family someday I will tattoo my wall with this too.