='(

no words.

tall walls.

wish

I wish I was one of those people who LOVES to cook.

I wish it wasn't so hard for me to drink enough water.

I wish I could sing well enough to belt it out while walking alone down the sidewalk.

I wish I was better at keeping in touch.

I wish I had something to write home about.

I wish I had an older brother or sister.

I wish I hadn't given up on the violin and the keyboard.

I wish I could speak 4 languages.

I wish I could figure out what to do with my life.

I wish I could forget things people have said to me.

I wish it was always 78 degrees.

I wish I was a beautiful and interesting girl living in some exotic far away undiscovered place untainted by the modern materialistic world.

I wish I could meet Dawn French.

I wish my sister didn't have to be a soldier, far away from home.

I wish I was more patient.

I wish someone would write me a poem.

I wish I had a dream I felt passionately about to pursue.

I wish I wasn't broke.

I wish I had someones unwavering affection for eternity.

I wish I could let it all go.

I wish I could face each morning with hope and a smile.

I wish I wasn't bitter, since my bitterness only hurts me.

I wish my nails would stop breaking.

I wish I could be someone else for a while.

I wish I could eat bagels.

I wish the stars showed up in the city.

I wish I knew a magic cure for all my friend's sicknesses.

I wish all education was free.

I wish all restaurants had a vegan and gluten-free selection.

I wish all vitamins were chewable and tasted like flintstone vitamins.

I wish I wasn't phone phobic.

I wish the average work week was four, six-hour days, that we all got a mandatory four paid weeks off every year, and no one would lose money for being sick.

I wish I didn't always feel so alone, even when people are around and wanting to hang out.

I wish roaches didn't exist.

I wish I could believe people when they make promises.

I wish words would come when I feel like I have none.

I wish my uncle hadn't been beaten in the head with a baseball bat.

I wish air travel was more affordable.

I wish I could laugh more.

I wish I could shoot bad drivers in the head without any consequences.

I wish life was like the movies and things always worked out good in the end.

I wish there was no such thing as styrofoam.

I wish my grandmother's house hadn't burnt down.

I wish I could stop losing earrings.

I wish babies didn't like pulling hair so much.

I wish dogs didn't drink out of toilets and eat cat shit out of litter boxes.

I wish animals didn't have to die to become food.

I wish belts didn't wear out.

I wish hearts didn't break.

I wish I didn't over-analyze everything to death.

I wish bodies didn't wear out with age.

I wish I liked cilantro.

I wish I wasn't so jaded.

I wish I could take away your pain.

I wish I could grant you wishes.

I wish I felt like being me was enough...

like I said before...

happy babies make me smile.

I got Benji to wave goodbye for the first time today. His mother attempted to mask the jealousy in her voice as she exclaimed "Oh that's the first time he's done that, and he did it for YOU!"

Look ma...

... I eated that thing's face off real good!!

<3

"You may not be her first, her last, her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect, you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that knows you can break her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there."

Bob Marley.

I've been thinking about a couple friends of mine who've passed away. The other morning I woke up thinking about one who was killed at 22 in a gruesome car crash, and tonight I've been thinking about the other who, at about 25 died in her sleep. The first one beautiful, talented, influential, she had at least experienced love and intimacy in the short time she was here. She was able to leave behind a piece of her in this world, a beautiful child. A reflection of love that once was. When she died, I became acutely aware of how mortal I was and started trying to remember to live my life as though each day could be my last.

The other, lived a very different life. She was painfully different. Regularly teased and humiliated by her peers. Never having friends, accustomed to hurting herself, she never experienced what it was like to fall in love. Both sad stories, but the second wrenches my heart even deeper. This thing called love, that I don't pretend to know much about, it sometimes seems like it should be almost like a right in all of our stories, somewhere along the line. But my friend's story is strong evidence against that. She never even knew what it was like to hold someones hand.

I know so many people recently married, or recently engaged. Reflecting on all this "love" sometimes it seems so weird who ends up with who. In some couples I know I see a level of contentment, but not a whole lot beyond that. Some seem happy, others seem to have settled, or are even unhappy. Many from the way they treat each other make you question in a big way why they are even together at all. Its more rare that what I see are two people that seem utterly designed for one another, to the point where they are just inseparable, or where they just seem almost oblivious to the rest of the world around them, and they truly and deeply love each other, and it lasts. When its real, its like it doesn't matter how dark the world is around them or what comes against them because they love and are loved.

To the people in my life who have this, and there are a few I do know of who read this blog, I just want to say, please don't miss that what you have is a gift. Its really not part of every story. It doesn't happen for the best of us, I'm convinced it happens for a rare few. Know that you've been blessed or are just damn lucky, how ever you want to see it, and never take for granted what you have. Life is different for you than for many. You are never promised tomorrow, neither is your soulmate, so cherish every second that you have been given together, live as though you know for a fact that there is no tomorrow with them... because a life minus love seems tragic and meaningless, which you have escaped, and a life full of love has endless possibility =D

Congratulations to my brother and sister on their recent engagements. Heather from what I have seen I believe you are one of the blessed =D. Jesse I haven't been around you two enough to have a real idea, but I truly hope that's what you have together.

Maybe someday, someone will love me that way too. I took statistics though, 3 out of 3, not sure my chances are too good dammit.

Im memory of Christine, who had a great big heart of love to give, I'm sorry you didn't have time and the chance while you were here to find someone to lavish it on.

<3

and Sharon wondered to herself, "what if this is as good as it gets?"

I'm not the one.

Never going to be.

I can't be the one

one is all I can be.

song link~not the one~collective soul