Walked the Burlington Art Hop today.  Ate some free Ben & Jerry's.  Saw some good art, some bad art.  Got to see the Strange Dolls studio, discovered Hilary Ann Love Glass's work,  and a few other inspiring things.  Free day out but now I pay with the price of pain for pushing myself physically.  At least we beat the rain forecast, I got home and then a sudden downpour burst out of nowhere, as I closed the front door behind me.  Now I will spend the rest of the weekend here in the empty house, listening to the rain fall.

everything feels bwoken.  my heart, my body, my mind.
im listening to the heavy rains tonight, 
a dark suffocating time,
on a tormented and extended stay in my old town.
i wish i could find a rabbit hole here 
to slip safely forever down.

if i could have just one thing back which i have lost along my path
it would be her, who has erased me fast, 
washed me clean away from her inside the rolling sea.
i wanted to belong to her, but she feels she was only blind
by my side, so terrible a summer in her mind, her eyes
she says now are open, are glad to be freed.
of me.

i gave her my heart, plus flowers and sweet words
loved and cared deeply, sacrificially.
i think well of our summer
of love and adventure, she sees it as a big failure,
what i valued and treasured,
what i wanted forever, 
two lovers with struggles, yet with room to grow.
but i was a problem, she couldn't take, 
love was not strong enough, she's shaken me off.
loss upon loss is the cost of following my heart across the land,
my lady does not want my hand.

I gave you all my eff-ing medication.  Now when I need it more than ever I can't get any and I'm plain screwed.  No teammate.  No home.  No Furniture.  No money.  No meds.  Just pain.  Brilliant.

This is my last week being 31.  In trying to prepare myself for bringing in the end of this year of mine with what I can foresee being the worst birthday of my life, I've decided to just not acknowledge it when it comes this year.  I've told my family not to do anything.  My current life circumstances are nothing to be celebrated, it would only be painful to have a day reflecting on me and my life.  My pretend birthday was the most traumatic day I can remember in a very long time and I don't need any reasons to replay it in my mind.  Wednesday I give myself the gift of a tattoo to erase a remnant of the old me, and that will be that.  I will be 32 in my mind at that moment and the sunday after will just be another sunday.  32, you better not be an asshole.

I want my life and hopes and silver lining back.  
Life was throwing some awful setbacks and struggles at me, rather relentlessly as it will,
but at least I had my partner by my side each day, to shuffle in some good cards with the bad cards in my hand.  The good, was good.  It made the setbacks okay.  It medicated some of the pain and erased darkness for a while each day.  The good whispered to me about glimpses of better times to come. 
My silver lining completely dissipated before my eyes.  I want it back.

I. absolutely. hate. this. song.

My brother's girlfriend played it for me, asking me,  didn't I think it was a perfect song for a wedding...

I dislike anything in the first place that even remotely has a country music sound, which this does.

The real reason I hate it though, is what it it represents, in the midst of my despair.  It is like lemon juice being squeezed over the open sores of my shattered heart and dreams.  It will forever, anytime I hear it, remind me of a crippling time, when all I wanted was to hear similar words, because cheesy as they sound in this song, is what I felt, but was denied reciprocity.  Hate this song.

Lyrics | Jason Mraz lyrics - I Won't Give Up lyrics