I am living a moment of, hell.  I can't quite find words to explain the dread surging through my veins.  I just tried to open a blog I was keeping on the 750 words site which I haven't used for several months, and it seems to have VANISHED!?!  There seems to be no record of it under either email address I might have used.  I have just lost so much writing it makes me ill.  RAGE!!  And then sadness, and denial, and well, I wish there could be bargaining...

This house, this town, may be the death of me
like a wild animal
failing to thrive in captivity

"I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo."

-the bell jar

Music soothes the restless soul,
this video's a shout out to eric, cuz it brings him to his happy place =D

Bobby Pins and Blow dryers

Thank you, for again making me feel like a burden in your day.  Sometimes I am truly blown away by your selfish views.  I wonder how many more times this could possibly happen before I move on to the next season of my life and will from then on only be able to look back at this as a time when I expressed to you I needed you, which to me would have seemed obvious, and tried to lean on you a little, but you didn't like it, and instead added insult to injury.  I bet you'd hate it if you realized how much you reminded me just now of the most hurtful conversation I can ever remember having with dad.  His words which rip my heart to shreds whenever my mind replays them as I picture the disapproval and anger, over something so insignificant, on his face as he spoke them.  I saw that look in your eye just now as you said, nothing.   Why do people hurt each other over things like bobby pins and blow dryers?  I finally shed a few tears about it, cest la vie as they say, and when it happens next I will let it bounce off and not be surprised by it.  I will make sure not to touch anything of yours or burden you with any more of my needs.  

My aunt makes the best food.  She fed me tonight till I was stuffed and then, stuffed me some more with cupcakes.  My stomach is freaking out since I've barely eaten at all this past week, it's used to being empty now its crammed full.  I can't brain right now... digesting..

Extended Director's cut, actually the first one I saw before it's release, even better.

I heart this.  If I have a home and family someday I will tattoo my wall with this too.

appetite, where have you gone?

First of all change is never easy and you never can really be prepared for change.  Another thing is sometimes no matter how much you want something its just not meant to be.  No matter what you do the end is not going to be the result you hoped for and as long as you feel you did everything you could and tried to work at the problems that were occurring you cannot say you failed.  Lastly, if you really truly love someone you are never going to stop loving them.  Even though you love them sometimes the answer is to move on, not walk away.  There is a difference.  Walking away is saying you didn't care and didn't try.  Moving on is reclaiming yourself and taking control back of your own happiness.

Author unknown

my first ugly doll. he's worth replicating i think.

perdy

I think these are siamese trees, they seem to share some limbs.

Today my aunt had an art exhibit opening and tonight is her 60th birthday party.  Relatives have flown in from California for todays events.  I packed up and came to Peacham for the weekend to join in everything.  I made it half way through the exhibit event before I had to find a dark corner to hide away in.  I just can't seem to be on my feet for much more than an hour before I start to go under.  I had to pass on the dinner party, and ask to be driven home.  Gawd, what a literal party-pooper.   Glad I got to see her paintings at least.  Now it's time to medicate myself with wine.

Here are two faves, both of my grandfather as a young child

I found 5, yes 5 hairs on my head that did not belong this morning.  

All congregated together like they were plotting mutiny or something.

Couldn't tell if they were white or grey, but either way, the fuckers are GONE now.

easy peasy

I'm gonna make some more ugly dolls..

it's a tossing and turning kinda night.

I hate not having a plan, 

my ocd/virgo personality can't take all of this not being able to plan beyond today business.  Some days the angst and uncertainty makes me wanna just scream and break stuff.

brave little light in a dark disturbing world.

I heart Princess Chelsea.

i need a steady dose of randomness in my life..

I don't know whose life I'm living.  No, this is definitely not the life I was supposed to have.

I can't take it... make it stop

I am a bloody mess, a bloody bloody mess

Christian Man Pretends to Be Gay For A Year

if you still read this blog, just wanted you to know you have a gift coming from thailand, far, far away so it is still weeks away they say, please don't smash it..

I can remember my gramma's pretty voice singing this song.
I miss her.. and I miss my best friend.

Vermont you are COLD.

I lost my appetite a few days ago...
still can't find it. bleh.

I want to relive so many days.  So many days that made me feel alive.  Hand in hand, I never doubted, trusting in those eyes.  The first time we met and I saw you, with that beautiful smile, we greeted with a sweet embrace, and I knew I wanted you in my life.  I think of late walks at night under stars with glimpses of deer in the street or caught in the head lights.  My first Austin show with you, Emilie Autumn, blew my mind, creating a new definition of awesome.  Skipping my favorite Monday class more than once to make the weekend last.  One more day together before back on the road, another  departure, dreaded.  Planning your birthday and making it perfect with money I didn't even have, so you would smile an entire weekend.  Our first night out at Kiss n Fly, drinking and dancing and then laughing so hard at Space Rocker boys.  Slow dancing one night, and another laughing at Charles while he yelled out crazy things at the boys.  Adventures to here and there, I never knew exactly where, but always some where I was amazed to be and felt lucky to see.  Your photo shoot of me in the dark, you made me feel like a work of art.  You wrote a me a song and sang me some others, which warmed up my heart to you even more like melting butter.  We spent a day at a pond feeding ducks and catching glimpses of puppy love looks from one another.  You held me in the water tight when I couldn't swim right, you were my hero that day, in a beautiful place hidden away.  At the Spiral Diner you cried a tear cuz I said I wanted to be there, to be on your team, words I really did say from my heart and mean.  You cried again when I got your amp back, it broke my heart that it surprised you that someone would do that.  Cuddles under blankets watching TV, in a big empty house just you and me.  Swinging under the stars and seeing wild lights in the sky, holding hands, touching hair and staring into eyes.  Having a good-bye Dallas dinner in a glass ball way up in the sky, with my cousin, my buddy and my lady, a sunset, a city skyline, perfect night, just amazing.  A trip to the animal shelter when I was missing my pet friends. Turtles who cast spells had us laugh to no end.  We tried to race to a mountain to see the sunrise, we didn't make it in time but we saw it on the drive.  Holding hands during fireworks on the fourth of July, even better than talking on New Years till the fireworks at midnight.  Opening my door to your face when I hadn't seen you for weeks, with the Gossip playing was a moment that can't be beat.  I was so happy and so relieved.  Eating sushi on our first date I admired your ribbons and you touched my hair.  At another sushi restaurant you smiled and texted me while I was sitting right there, how happy you were to be there with me at my side.  We had dessert fondue on a romantic night and all I wanted was to stare at you.  Running like kids through water jets we discovered at Town Lake. We met up one night when we couldn't stand it anymore being apart, we each drove two hours for a hotel date.  We cried and we hugged then everything was alright.  You set up your room on the first day of my move with rose petals and a balloon, so I would feel more at home and not concerned.  We hung out with Alyssa and had some massages, we tried to sell my cranes with her at that green room and I just ended up sharing your stalker.  We had some fun double dates with Eric and Adam, he paid for our meals like an awesome friend.  We hung out with Alice and had expensive wine and some laughs, got college advice and chatted all night.  I bought you some coffee, and made you some tea, I loved the smile that you would give me.  I wanted to spoil you, I saw things all the time I wanted to buy you.  We talked about people and places and things.  What we wanted, where we might go.  We talked about all we'd been through and had so many "me toos".  We talked for months, becoming friends before we even ever met.  Something I will never regret.  I loved getting to know you bit by bit.  Sharing bands, and movies, and dreams of road trips and distant lands.  I remember seeing that crystal bird before I ever even saw you, and thinking she has to have this it's the perfect gift.  When you got it in the mail that day you seemed kind of shocked but if I were back there again I'd buy you all of them so you could have a flock.  I mostly miss the mundane parts of the day, sharing a meal, holding hands, feeling you there close at night, making coffee, watching movies, and being silly.  Dressing up to go somewhere fun, with your makeup perfect and your long hair done, and yes laying together when the night was done, I loved to hold you in my arms, feel your soft skin, and see just you next to just me.  I miss us.  I miss us.  I miss these days, and more, much more.

They say drinking alone is never a good sign.  But what if its for a good reason, like because you're FREEZING?  I'm spending friday night alone in a cold house, wearing many layers I had to purchase yesterday at Goodwill since I did not expect to be here this late into fall.  Back to my attempts at using many layers to survive Vermont temperatures; its only mid October and I'm failing already.  I'm bundled up in a sweater, tights under my jeans, some slippers that mean business, arm warmers under my sweater a hat and a coat on (inside the house) I'm under a blanket and still, uncomfortable.  Hence the wine.  I think it's a valid choice.  Cheers.

Trapped

I am a caged animal.  Trapped.  In a cold, empty, dreary box, no way out, I'm stuck.  I'm scared.  I can't get warm.  People are near, I hear them but they can't see me.   In my mind, lost in a haze of despair and sorrow, I stare blankly.  In my body, bound in by pain.  Every day, every day. The same, sad, strange day.

If I could have a day go my way, the torment in my mind would flee, I'd be free to be the unaltered, intended me.  My body would be released and I would leave. My heart and hope would put me on a plane soaring through the blue, to a real life deserved , back to you.

Chew Lips

won't allow this one to be embedded..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=va0njQFvFEk&feature=list_other&playnext=1&list=ALHTd1VmZQRNqnq6eKggLEQ6fX7Ry64ItN

music is the only small piece of sanity I have any longer.

one good thing I'm finding about having a broken heart and shattered dreams is that the pain is first so numbing and then so severe shortly after that it almost completely distracts me from my chronic physical pain. almost.

waking up to flowers which you've decided you regret
fills my room this morning with a black heavy mist
my heart sent back in that cold abyss

you sent them as a safety net
but once something upset you it became only paper thin
i fell through it and i'm bloody, again

i will have to take my shrine down
of the photos and the cards
which used to make me smile but now only tear up my heart

I've never felt so broken and worthless as a human. Im sick and getting sicker instead of better.  I cannot work to pull my own weight, and seems unrealistic I would ever be able to finish school and work.  I can barely manage to physically get out of bed.  I drain my mother's resources unable to contribute.  I don't have a way to get to appointments or run errands to move forward. I feel nothing but physical and emotional pain at all times.  I'm resented for my dependence.  Misunderstood.  Judged.  Rejected for who I am.  My presence in this world causes only problems, sacrifices and pain to others.  I cannot even love right.  I really wish I had never been born.

if i die tomorrow i will be alone, my last thoughts being; I was a burden to many, and never enough. 

my heart is loosing hope.

it may have just vanished.

my life is far from a fairy tale,

but some day I hope for

a happy ending.

I am attempting to heal my mind, heart, and body.

Negative energy will only hinder my efforts 

so kindly keep any of that to yourself.

today i was hurt by someone I love
encouraged and supported by someone I love
was able to provide for someone I love
and was spoiled by someone I love.

so 3 out of 4,  with a still sore heart,
love is bigger and wins today.

my very own orchid garden