Good change is in the air. Its a gentle whisper blowing about my ears, hinting of better things not so far ahead. The near future looks to hold kinder words and gestures than that of my today and recent past months. Moving on.

I can finally see and admit now how I deserve so much better.

Wish it hadn't taken me so long to grasp.

Game Over.

You can't hurt me anymore.

when it rains it pours

Dashing clumsily in and out of my jeep all day long job hunting in the relentless rain, attention focused on keeping my resumes dry underneath an umbrella, I guess it was bound to happen. In the Michael's parking lot is where it finally did. My cell phone went swimming in a puddle. I am usually fond of the rain. Today, not quite so much. My phone is spending some time in an emergency care bed of brown rice. Really not okay with the timing of this mishap. Enough rain. I need a rainbow.

.

I'm sorry but we're not hiring right now. Please feel free to fill out an application online. Add yourself to our already overflowing bank of hundreds of other over-qualified applicants, where you will become another faceless number in the masses with a one-in-a-million chance that someone might randomly click on your name to even glance at your information. Thank you. =D

Can't sleep.

feelin small.

but also adverse.

possibly combative.

a message has been made clear to me

I am not a priority

writing helps distract the pain,

and this nausea impacting like a train

wish I could shut off my mind

close my eyes

sleep until the end of time

or that my body could float away

piece by piece up into space

I keep replaying the words

though its more how they were said

they're forever grafted inside my head

LOVED Avatar.

Such a beautiful world.

I'm going to live there in my mind for a while.

fighting

They say that if you love something to let it go. If it comes back, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be.

Just recently, I was inclined to believe there was probably some truth in this. And maybe, there is. Maybe in certain situations its helpful, and makes some love stronger? Quite possible. After giving it a shot though, I'm finding myself hopeful that its not always so, and more inclined to believe that things you love are worth fighting hard to keep.

Right now I'm fighting

even though, i kinda feel, alone in the fight... =(

... that, I'm worth fighting for.

soldiering on

To my friends, you who

listen to me,

who ask me how my day is going,

who hug me when I'm down,

who help me to laugh at life,

who tell me that I'm missed,

who watch movies with me and buy me dinner,

who attempt to distract me from the chaos of my current life with

flowers,

home cooked meals,

unexpected treats,

random visits involving board games,

getting me out of the house,

drinks on you,

ice cream,

and silly random text messages.

Who remain by my side

while I feel like I'm trapped and just wandering in a deep dark forest.

To you, I want to say thank you for believing in me

and affirming good things that you see and I don't.

You are a lifeline during hard times.

Today, I remembered that I am a fighter.

I remembered that I once upon a time was someone who

was able to take rage and malcontent

and channel surging negative energy

into forward motion and change.

I have decided that I'm not going to give up here

without one heck of a fight.

I am not defeated. Wounded and bloody, yes.

Somewhat battle-hardened, but not defeated.

Things are going to turn around.

I'll get by with a little help from my friends.

Heather, here's the laugh of insanity and the movie clip I mentioned...

when things just keep going wrong for a long enough period of time, insanity can manifest through absurd laughter at inappropriate things.

when my cousin's printer ran out of ink tonight I sat there,

and laughed...

resume hell

I went to Kinko's three times today, and left the third visit in tears.

I have spent the entire day trying to print resumes for a job fair tomorrow. I can't use my printer, because the power cable has been missing since the move here. I asked around and no one seemed to have a printer, or one that was working anyway. People kept offering to print them at school or work for me, but that wasn't going to work since it needed to be on resume paper.

So today I asked around some more, then went to try the public library. I went in and got myself a card, then they told me I couldn't use my own paper. Grrr. Next went home to get directions to Kinko's for the first trip. Their computer couldn't read my resume file because it was in Mac Pages format. I had a cover letter in rtf format though, so I at least got some of those printed, and, I bought a new box of resume paper.

I don't know much about computers and document formats, so I went home and emailed a friend to ask how to switch file types. His reply told me what to do, but not HOW to do it. If that makes sense? I don't know computer jargon. I needed the HOW. I decided not to bug him again and to just try to figure it out. I messed around a bit, and thought I had managed to do it.

I went back to Kinko's a second time. The resume paper I'd just bought remained behind sitting comfortably on my couch. *Bangs head on steering wheel in Kinko's parking lot.*

Went home again. Collected paper. Back on drive number three. Kinko's guy finds file. I hand him my stack of paper and ask for 15 copies of what I believe is a three page document. He comes back with almost the whole 80 sheets used up on 15 resumes that are USELESS to me, because switching the format made some weird coding and junk come up at the end making it now 4 pages long, and it completely left out my header and name and address?? I just blurted out, "What is this....?" and started to cry in the store. I can't afford set backs like ruining a whole box of expensive resume paper right now.

I was so upset, I gathered up my mess and stumbled out of the store, without even paying for my screwy copies! oops. Well no one tried to stop me... I think that's because people are scared to mess with crazy people.

*** So the updated continuation of the story goes like this;

I canceled my plans tonight with my friend with who it just never seems to work for us to connect, so that I could go out to my cousins place to use her printer when she got home from school this evening. She has a MAC so I figured I was in the clear. We could use my original file. What could go wrong? Well I got there and she and her design-eye were not in approval of the state of my resume. So after a test print we spent some time perfecting it to her standards.

Then it came time to do a test print on the good paper. At which point, we came to realize her black ink was running low and looked terrible. It was late at this point. Office Depot was closed. Tom Thumb informed us that, yes they used to carry ink cartridges but no longer did. We then tried to use her fiance's printer, which only prints black, but we were willing to sacrificing the green highlight to just get it done. Although obviously, her laptop and his printer refused to communicate with one another...

So the plan as I left there was for her to get some ink in the morning and print them out for me to pick up tomorrow just before I head to the job fair. Keeping my fingers crossed. Not sure what else can possibly happen, but ya know... you read the story.

I think

Muahahahahaahaha!

I miss my friend.

"I dont wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone" ~ Javan quotes *1.25.2010* Actually, if I'm honest, looking back on this, its not it at all, highlight 'something to someone', go to edit, click cut. Highlight -----> everything to someone <----- go back to edit, hit copy, then paste@end. that's more like it. Something to someone, that I know I am =]

Given the current circumstances,

I easily foresee myself quickly reverting back to my more natural state of,

night owl.

hooo. hooo.

talk to me all you other night creatures...

Dr. Seuss

So I had a mild Dr Seuss obsession when I was a kid. I loved his crazy, haphazard style that stood apart from everything else. His illustrations and his writing were just different and almost seemed to break the rules. Loved that. I loved the randomness and otherworldly, nonsensical characters and the big messages they could conjure up through simple silliness. Books like The Lorax, and Horton Hears a Who were really able to drive a point home and leave a lasting impression.

I remember one night, I'm not sure how old I was, but what a scene I created over a Dr. Seuss special that came on TV at exactly my bed time. All I remember is that I threw such a fit over not being allowed exception to the bed-time rule to stay up for that gloriously special occasion, that my typically severely quiet, calm and patient mother stormed off to take her shower in a fit of rage and continued to swear at me through the duration of that shower.. in a way so unlike her that it frightened me. That may have been the first time I had ever heard her swear, and even so, I snuck out of my room and watched as much as I dared while she was busy cursing me with three daughters just like me.

In a high school art class I was required to do a self portrait in the style of a famous artist. I chose Dr. Seuss. lol. When my brother recently graduated from college, I decided the best graduation present would be Oh The Places You'll Go. Obviously.

He's probably the smartest Dr. I know of. I like how he thought and saw the world, and how he was able to communicate it. I'm sad that he's gone, as one of the few famous people I can say I'd genuinely like to meet. Today I discovered a quote of his, which prompted me to write this, simply because it made me smile. I just wanted to post it, since anything that is able to make me smile these days just seems worth noting.

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

— Dr. Seuss

He he.

Dr. Seuss, rocks my fox in sox.

new chapter

One trying and prolonged chapter of my life has come to its end. I have really mixed feelings about that chapter. I'm a little sad, just a little, and somewhat anxious about the timing of its close, but mostly I feel a sense of relief. The chapter's over, not the story. Wonder what's next?

sushi fun

Heather and the boys with their chopsticks at my good-bye sushi lunch outing =)

Benji ate the paper off his chopsticks and puked it all up plus some in my lap.

Ethan nearly choked to death on the edamame bean his mother gave him.

We claimed three tables and sprawled toys all over the restaurant, including one I had to sheepishly collect from under someone else's table when we left.

We had to eat our food in shifts as people across the room shot irritated glances at the two squirmy, shrieking, tired little boys alternately being distracted by three nannies and their mother.

But, it really was a nice thought.

For all my friends who don't really get what the vegan thing is all about, this video I found explains it pretty well without showing all the graphic cruelty of the PETA videos that people hate being exposed to...

I was eating vegan for about 2 years and would continue to do so except that about 6 months ago I discovered my allergies to both wheat-gluten and soy. The combination of all the diet restriction this created proved to be just too challenging for me. I have incorporated some animal protein back into my diet, not meat, but through some things like butter and cheese, and products that contain some milk or eggs in the ingredients (though I could never drink a straight glass of milk =P) I would continue being vegan if I didn't have this issue. I realize that being vegan is not the best or healthiest option for everyone, but being vegetarian is still making a difference and is a little easier of a lifestyle ( and creates less of a scene in restaurants, oy.)

If you're curious, I do not judge people for choosing to eat meat, we all have different convictions. I don't necessarily think its evil to eat meat, especially if its done out of necessity, like someone hunting out of a need to feed their family. But the way animals are raised and tortured in factory farming is evil, and its not something I care to support. I don't care if you order steak if we eat out together ( I will get mad if you order veal though), just don't expect me to ever cook you a steak dinner. I just like to make people who are interested to know, a little more aware of what they are eating and the process of how it ended up on their plate. Just some food for thought... heh. Some people don't want to know so I wont push it on them, but others seem glad to be informed and have decided to make some changes. I'll be nice though and leave the PETA videos off my blog. Actually I think I'll just post a link or two for the brave ones who want to know...

If that's you...

Watch these:

meet your meat

if you knew

their voice

meet the meat

when pigs cry

Read these:

free range myth

ecological effects...

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."

~swedish proverb

Love, don’t cry
Love, don’t cry
Love, don’t cry

Soon comes rain

Dry your eyes

I haven't had words hurt me so deeply in a long time. I was numb for about a day, it was a lot easier that way, but now my heart has the familiar deep ache back, but even deeper, which I wasn't sure could happen and its pretty unbearable. I'm on one severe losing streak. I try so hard to do things right, and I just keep failing. I try so hard to love, and apparently somehow, I seem to hurt people instead... I can't get it right. I don't know how I can get such a complete opposite outcome from what I aim for. I fail at life and people.

... don't even do that... geezus.

its amazing to me how a few short words can say so incredibly much.

A quote passed on to me today,

... Sobbing and useless is a million times better than dead. A billion times. Thank you for choosing sobbing and useless over dead.

~Jennifer Michael Hect

thebestamericanpoetry.typepad.com

='(

no words.

tall walls.

wish

I wish I was one of those people who LOVES to cook.

I wish it wasn't so hard for me to drink enough water.

I wish I could sing well enough to belt it out while walking alone down the sidewalk.

I wish I was better at keeping in touch.

I wish I had something to write home about.

I wish I had an older brother or sister.

I wish I hadn't given up on the violin and the keyboard.

I wish I could speak 4 languages.

I wish I could figure out what to do with my life.

I wish I could forget things people have said to me.

I wish it was always 78 degrees.

I wish I was a beautiful and interesting girl living in some exotic far away undiscovered place untainted by the modern materialistic world.

I wish I could meet Dawn French.

I wish my sister didn't have to be a soldier, far away from home.

I wish I was more patient.

I wish someone would write me a poem.

I wish I had a dream I felt passionately about to pursue.

I wish I wasn't broke.

I wish I had someones unwavering affection for eternity.

I wish I could let it all go.

I wish I could face each morning with hope and a smile.

I wish I wasn't bitter, since my bitterness only hurts me.

I wish my nails would stop breaking.

I wish I could be someone else for a while.

I wish I could eat bagels.

I wish the stars showed up in the city.

I wish I knew a magic cure for all my friend's sicknesses.

I wish all education was free.

I wish all restaurants had a vegan and gluten-free selection.

I wish all vitamins were chewable and tasted like flintstone vitamins.

I wish I wasn't phone phobic.

I wish the average work week was four, six-hour days, that we all got a mandatory four paid weeks off every year, and no one would lose money for being sick.

I wish I didn't always feel so alone, even when people are around and wanting to hang out.

I wish roaches didn't exist.

I wish I could believe people when they make promises.

I wish words would come when I feel like I have none.

I wish my uncle hadn't been beaten in the head with a baseball bat.

I wish air travel was more affordable.

I wish I could laugh more.

I wish I could shoot bad drivers in the head without any consequences.

I wish life was like the movies and things always worked out good in the end.

I wish there was no such thing as styrofoam.

I wish my grandmother's house hadn't burnt down.

I wish I could stop losing earrings.

I wish babies didn't like pulling hair so much.

I wish dogs didn't drink out of toilets and eat cat shit out of litter boxes.

I wish animals didn't have to die to become food.

I wish belts didn't wear out.

I wish hearts didn't break.

I wish I didn't over-analyze everything to death.

I wish bodies didn't wear out with age.

I wish I liked cilantro.

I wish I wasn't so jaded.

I wish I could take away your pain.

I wish I could grant you wishes.

I wish I felt like being me was enough...

like I said before...

happy babies make me smile.

I got Benji to wave goodbye for the first time today. His mother attempted to mask the jealousy in her voice as she exclaimed "Oh that's the first time he's done that, and he did it for YOU!"

Look ma...

... I eated that thing's face off real good!!

<3

"You may not be her first, her last, her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect, you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that knows you can break her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there."

Bob Marley.

I've been thinking about a couple friends of mine who've passed away. The other morning I woke up thinking about one who was killed at 22 in a gruesome car crash, and tonight I've been thinking about the other who, at about 25 died in her sleep. The first one beautiful, talented, influential, she had at least experienced love and intimacy in the short time she was here. She was able to leave behind a piece of her in this world, a beautiful child. A reflection of love that once was. When she died, I became acutely aware of how mortal I was and started trying to remember to live my life as though each day could be my last.

The other, lived a very different life. She was painfully different. Regularly teased and humiliated by her peers. Never having friends, accustomed to hurting herself, she never experienced what it was like to fall in love. Both sad stories, but the second wrenches my heart even deeper. This thing called love, that I don't pretend to know much about, it sometimes seems like it should be almost like a right in all of our stories, somewhere along the line. But my friend's story is strong evidence against that. She never even knew what it was like to hold someones hand.

I know so many people recently married, or recently engaged. Reflecting on all this "love" sometimes it seems so weird who ends up with who. In some couples I know I see a level of contentment, but not a whole lot beyond that. Some seem happy, others seem to have settled, or are even unhappy. Many from the way they treat each other make you question in a big way why they are even together at all. Its more rare that what I see are two people that seem utterly designed for one another, to the point where they are just inseparable, or where they just seem almost oblivious to the rest of the world around them, and they truly and deeply love each other, and it lasts. When its real, its like it doesn't matter how dark the world is around them or what comes against them because they love and are loved.

To the people in my life who have this, and there are a few I do know of who read this blog, I just want to say, please don't miss that what you have is a gift. Its really not part of every story. It doesn't happen for the best of us, I'm convinced it happens for a rare few. Know that you've been blessed or are just damn lucky, how ever you want to see it, and never take for granted what you have. Life is different for you than for many. You are never promised tomorrow, neither is your soulmate, so cherish every second that you have been given together, live as though you know for a fact that there is no tomorrow with them... because a life minus love seems tragic and meaningless, which you have escaped, and a life full of love has endless possibility =D

Congratulations to my brother and sister on their recent engagements. Heather from what I have seen I believe you are one of the blessed =D. Jesse I haven't been around you two enough to have a real idea, but I truly hope that's what you have together.

Maybe someday, someone will love me that way too. I took statistics though, 3 out of 3, not sure my chances are too good dammit.

Im memory of Christine, who had a great big heart of love to give, I'm sorry you didn't have time and the chance while you were here to find someone to lavish it on.

<3