can't make it stop. it won't go away.

racing heart, racing thoughts, making me freeze,

unable to breathe.

my insides, turning, churning, yearning

I draw up walls around me floor to ceiling

here I wrestle with my demons,

panic clenches at my chest, silently I'm screaming.

Anxiety = shitty. Its just 10x shittier if it happens late at night and you're alone.

link: 30 things to start doing for yourself!

link: 30 things to stop doing to yourself!

happy.

Today, I would have kissed you.

Today, I would have kissed you.

Today, I would have kissed you.

Today, I would have kissed you.

Today, I would have kissed you.

I <3 trees, more than ever now.

"...what is it that you express in your eyes?

It seems to me more than all the print I have read in my life."

the world has made me ill today, i just feel so sick.

life and circumstance, hate and arrogance, words from ignorant lips.

i feel ready to crumble, fearful of failure and the chains of culture are choking me.

and isolation is the icing on this cake that is poisoning me.

Walt

"Re-examine all you have been told...

Dismiss what insults your Soul."

"I have learned that to be with those I like is enough"

"I celebrate myself..."

~walt whitman

devastated

My spirit crushed. Devastated it cries.

Oh humanity, the horrific sides.

It is said, hate cannot be conquered with hate, but only by love.

Love is the remedy I seek for the damage of people's painful words.

PANIC!

My first algebra class in about 10 years has me in a wound up intensely tight panic knot. My professor spent the first class, introducing himself, and then lecturing us the rest of the time on how much we all collectively suck since we are American students, and how it is shameful how little we get away with knowing as high school graduates. He stumped us with basic equations he claims we should have mastered in the 5th grade and belittled us for not having been educated properly even in the basics such as order of operations. His level of irritation at our lack of understanding was clearly through the roof, as he felt the need to explain and reiterate his disgust many times over. I have no memory of any of this order of things since its been so many years and I didn't understand it well back then to begin with. I am terrified of this class, and need to find a way to teach myself the building blocks I, um, shamefully wasn't taught well, and am apparently expected to understand anyway? I came home and sat on the couch frozen with anxiety tightening my chest, and haven't moved yet. This really is a real life nightmare to me, I want someone to hold my hand!

METRIC

The Pierces. Are good.

I want to know these people and what kinda things they often think about.

Thanks for sharing this Heather.

p.s. I HATE that videos always get cut off on the right side! Why? grrr.

My sister joined The Burlington Bombshells, a roller derby team, a while ago. It's basically the single most badass hobby a gal can have, male derby teams=way less cool, and the only sport I would ever be able to cheer anyone on in. So I've been psyched she's gotten into it, and gotten pretty good from what I hear. Though we haven't been to any of her bouts being across the country, my cousin and I are intrigued by her posts about it online and inspired to give skating a shot. She found a roller rink near by and though we are both pretty doubtful of our current skills on skates, you gotta start somewhere. Hopefully I will be better on little wheels than I am at sliding down mountains on boards, and will be in less pain after my first attempt at it. (well first after like a hundred years.)

Something about this day doesn't feel quite right. I have this clingy wet blanket feeling, something a little dreary, a little scary, a little uncertain hovers over me. My surroundings feel kinda hazy, and not completely real. I feel like I am desperately trying to see some color somewhere, in a black and white world. Good feelings are gone for today.

Le Butcherettes

The world is just a better place because this band exists.

Grateful to my gal pal for making sure I was aware of them.

The Beat Dolls! Like likey like!!

we both reached for the gun

I love this scene from Chicago.

we both reached for the gun

We lovely Americans with our drive to acquire material possessions and convenience foods create about 16,000 lbs. of garbage, per person, each year! Ew! We are gross. Personally that's not the legacy I want to leave behind as my mark on the earth. Please consider reducing the amount of single serving packaging you consume by eating take out less often. Fast food is a major contributor of the trash pile up, and its not good for you anyway. Reuse things when possible. Use glass or BPA free reusable plastic water bottles rather than buying huge packages of bottled water, use cloth bags to carry groceries home in if you just throw the plastic ones into the trash and recycle glass, metal, plastic, and paper. Buy recycled products! Support creative people who make art out of recycled and reused materials. If there is not recycle service provided where you live, just separate recyclables from your trash and drop it off once a week at a recycle bin behind Whole Foods, or in school parking lots etc. They are around!

murmuration

Breathtaking. How I wish I could have been there.

Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.

BREAKFAST!

Oh my are these good! Taste like no-bake cookies but healthy! Powerballs are going to be my new breakfast routine. So fast and easy to make and easy to vary the recipe ingredients as you like. Peanut butter(1cup), honey(1cup), oatmeal(3cups), chocolate chips (or butterscotch, or white chocolate or whatever chips) then you throw in whatever else you like flax or dried fruit or chopped nuts, roll em up and chill for 2 hours! My mom introduced these to us over Christmas and we are all hooked!

Funny.

I'm not impressed with the new management at my apartment complex. I really liked all the previous staff, in the office and the maintenance guys were awesome too. The office used to always be stocked with free cookies and chips for the tenants, and a big bowl of candy was on the front desk. Now they and the snacks are ALL gone. Booo.

A couple days ago I told the new staff that I always have paid my rent on time, but this month I was gonna be later than the grace period because I am a student waiting for my financial aid which is due to deposit any day now. I didn't stutter in explaining myself, I was perfectly clear and articulate I would pay them when it comes in.

Apparently they are forgetful or just straight up assholes, because this morning I was awoken by the very same guy I spoke with, banging furiously on my door. He stated that I had made no attempt to turn in payment for rent this month (um, thanks for informing me?) and he handed me papers declaring I had 3 days to vacate before being evicted. Really? A good, clean, and quiet tenant for 2 years now, never once been late before, situation fully explained as a student waiting for her grants that are on the way, everything about to be taken care of within a day, and you talk down to me like I'm a rebellious child or a criminal? More anxious than ever to get through school and move on to whatever my next season of life is.

BUT, despite that garbage this morning, I am bouncing around with a smile and a light heart. After I closed my door in the guys face, I started rummaging around for some things I've been wanting to sell on craig's list for some extra cash. I paused in shock when I opened up a tupperware container I thought was holding broken jewelry to be repaired, but I pulled out a bunch of necklaces I had stuck in there for safe keeping during my move to Texas. Several of these were necklaces that had belonged to my grandmother which I had thought I had lost forever in that move. One in particular I was heartbroken over losing. I was so excited at my finding my lost treasure that all my bad feelings just melted away.

So thank you, new mean-spirited River Bend Village management, if you weren't being assholes I wouldn't be in such a happy place today. I win.

Just over 31 years ago, on December 31, 1980 when I was four months old, my great-grandfather on my paternal side who I have no memory of wrote my parents a letter in his beautiful penmanship. A very brief and simple letter, but heartfelt and kind. Enclosed inside was a savings bond he had purchased for me. My mother had tucked it away to become completely forgotten about until just recently when I had asked her for my APGAR score and other baby milestone information I was interested in for a school paper. She found it hidden away in her closet and she gave it to me on christmas.

As a starving college student I am very grateful to this man I do not know for planting this little seedling gift for me to be stumbled upon at time when it couldn't possibly be more valued. I also am very intrigued and awestruck by a deep sense of irony. The amount of this matured bond is approximately how much it will cost me for the decision I made over my christmas visit with my family, to legally change my last name.

I wish I knew more about this man, but I don't know a thing. I have never even seen a picture of him that I can recall. But in his short little letter, he thanked my parents for pictures sent of me, said that I was beautiful, and that he was very proud of me. I shed a few tears as I read those words, wishing I could know the sound of his voice, never having heard such things from my own father. I wonder how he would have felt to know that his great grand baby would one day decide to shed the name he passed on to her, not due to marriage, but simply from a desire to separate herself from the name. I wonder if he'd still be proud? I hope that he would hear my heart and understand my reasons.

For many years I tried to understand the gulf between my father and I. I struggled with "bad daughter" complex because things just never felt right, I figured surely there was a way for me to fix it, if I could just figure it out, be a better daughter. Things only progressed to more complicated and painful over the years though. It got to the point where it was all I had in me to muster up the strength to visit on birthdays and father's day, christmas. Then it became finding the courage to make phone calls on those days, sometimes I could do it, other times I failed. At this point I haven't spoken to him at all in at least a year, maybe two now, not even sure. I sent a gift card on father's day and made a last few phone calls that were never answered or returned. So I stopped. I set down the complex, and kept walking.

I reflect on the past sometimes and try to conjure up some good memories with my father. I have been able to think of a few, but I can count them on one hand. Its hard to pick them out of the sad things that flood my mind in reflection. Since we don't speak I don't know for sure what's going on in his life right now, but through other family members I hear that he is a very low place. I hear things, things that I wish I could empty from my ears. Things that make my heart just ache. Things I do not want to be associated with. I had entertained the idea of changing my name for some time now, but the idea just went off in me like fireworks as I pondered over all the new things I had heard. It hit me that it was time, and that it would be a monument in my life, a marking point of my setting down the past and moving forward into who I WANT to be.

I plan to take my mother's maiden name, as I have always felt a closer and more secure connection with her side of the family and I miss her parents terribly. I considered choosing a random name I just liked the sound of, but I would rather honor my grandparents and retain an element of connection to a clan name. Clan McClellan. I feel some peace in just making this choice and am excited for the day that I make it official!

Great-grandfather,

thank you for your kind gift and words. I apologize to you and to my grandfather as well if my choice upsets you, it is just something that will help me be a better me.

It is THUNDERING outside as I am about to post this!

Hurt not the Earth,

neither the sea,

nor the trees.

My belly is filled up with a delicious thai meal and I'm curled up in comfy covers in bed, with sounds of blackbird blackbird seeming more like a lullaby enticing me into a half dream state. Maybe I'll start lucid dreaming. Only way this could be better is if someone was curled up in the covers with me. =)

I feel this way every day. I wish I knew where home was.

In so many ways this world is not quite as it should be. Nothing fazes me much anymore.

<3

Yes and YES.

If it seems too good to be true...

... it probably is.

Miiiiilla

DRINK MORE WATER

One week into the new year and I'm doing pretttty well with my New Year's resolutions.

Resolution 1: Write/blog/paint/make. Find a creative outlet regularly, even if you have to force it. So far, so good.

Resolution 2: DRINK MORE WATER. I have been drinking a little more, but still not enough. Time to step it up.

Game Plan:

-Water stamp card with PRIZES for completion. yes. prizes.

-Purchase of several more lovely water bottles to make my goal more convenient to attain. NO excuses! Grab n go!

-Drink an extra 8oz glass of water every night before bed.

-Cut up fruit to add to water for flaaaavor.

I decided earlier to get out of my apartment.. get in the jeep and wander where ever seemed good. I pictured a walk at the park maybe and a movie, maybe a drink at a random little hole in the wall. Well I got as far as Starbucks cuz I chose to venture out at the brilliant hour of just before 5PM. I walked in, ordered a mint hot chocolate, and walked out again because it was much colder in the Starbucks than it was outside. Brrr. I sat in my Jeep watching the unmoving mass of vehicles on Collins and connntemplated the park, and connntemplated the coffee shop I like on the other side of town. But you know, I'm very aware bad traffic puts me in a very dark place. That wasn't the goal of the journey. I drove home with my hot chocolate and now, I am posting these lovely videos on my blog here. Cheers to all you lovely people out there who made it to the hole in the wall!

The XX!!!

Crystallized =]

I am taking myself OUT. I have spent the week mostly sleeping or crashed out on the couch with my laptop and TV and my body has just eaten up all this available time to hang out in dreamland. I said I felt like I could sleep for a week, and then basically did.

I considered staying in bed again today but the new neighbor just above me is driving me crazy with his loud and never ending ghetto speak. He has spent his week out on his balcony conversing/yelling constantly on his phone the only words of which I can really understand are the angry profanities. Not a very "neighborly" fellow.

The brand new not too personable management, the new neighbors, the recent major car crash/shooting up the street and the fact that my friend is hitting the trail when her lease is up soon is making my home feel not so home-y anymore. I'm kinda scared to be living here alone.

Oh well at least I have my cat... and some pepper spray. Im taking my lazy ass out into the world to go for a walk and see a movie.

Thank you Zooey, I needed this laugh! <3